Running on E
I hesitate posting what i want to post...mostly becasue who i am is not very fun to read about, and it sounds like i want pitty...when i don't. however today i want to just write and forget about all the crap..or what you..the reader..think. I care about you, i just don't care if you think this post is retarded...once again this is not for pitty its just my thoughts, and feelings.Over these last couple of days i have gotten the opurtunity to think a great deal. I very rarly share my thoughts, because i don't want to bore people with drama, and feeligns and stuff.
Basicaly i feel like im running on E. I have felt like this for most of my life. I can look back on life and i really can't see times where i was complete or really extreamly happy. I have always been searching for something, somethign has always been off. In high school this big empty space in my life was supposed to be a God size hole. Well i guess then i don't understand why God refuses to fill it. This has been the main component to the skeptic part of who i am. My doubts come from the fact that i am a person who never really feals full at any moment. How can God be their for me and love me, and all that stuff, when I feel so..Un-loved..empty..alone..
People wonder why i get so frustrated with the church, how can i dislike somethign that is so good. Well its simple becasue its not so good. Everyone in the christian culture likes to tell me whats wrong with me, they try to understand me, mostly so that they can feel good about themselves, and so they can do "their" part. Ive never really felt very genuine concern from people in the church. People are quick to give Bible band aids, and they say things like "In Gods timing..or its all in his hands" What the flip does that mean. People say stuff just to hear themselves talk, just to feel good about themselves, and pat themselves on the back.
back to me...lets take a journey into the past...I have always been an awckward kid, who really never quit fit in. I tried my hardest but failed miserably. one key point was my freshman year of high school. I was on the wrestling team and was tryign my hardest to fit in and to do my part on the team. But for some reason i had a sine around my neck that says pick on this kid. I never thought it was possible for people to be as crule to another human as they where crule to me. The whole season they would ridicule me and make me feel like crap(this actually started big time in football before wrestling). It was like the last night of wrestling, and we where all cleaning up. One of kids on my team thought it would be awsome if he hit me as hard as he could in the arm. I didn't want to get hit so i tried to block his punch, however i was simply able to deflect his punch, directly into my face...I then started to tear up, however the tears wherent coming from the hit. It was because everyone started laughing at me, they called me an idiot becasue of what happened, i shouldn't have defended myself. those tears that come out..where the last tears that i was able to shed. After that moment i stopped feeling...i stoped feeling anything...i became numb..to this day i have been unable to cry..un-abel to feel. I am Empty..
Its hard for me to enjoy life..i can enjoy small momnets..but mosty i sit quitly..and just watch as life goes by and is lived..
I wait for my turn ..i wait for the momnet when i too can have fun..when i too can actualy feel an emotion..an emotion that is more than fear, hate, anger, lonliness...I want to love.
I want to love poeple and be a srevent who helps without price. That is the person i want to be. Ive been tryign to serve others, and loving others. I hope someday through this i will actually be able to feel the love i am giving, maybe some day i will be able to love, and most importantly maybe i will be able to love myself.
I dream of the day that i can once again feel, the day in which i can find what im looking for, the day when i am not so Empty!!
thanks for listining,
Willis
posted by Mike Willis @ 9:04 PM
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