ME
Iv'e been thinking....and I don't hate ME...the real ME....I hate the ME i have become....I hate the ME that worries so much about what others think about me, and I hate the ME that tries so hard to fit in........well im done. From now on i need to be ME....to start im goging biking...yes its 2 in the morning........but hey thats me.
Trellis
Me
Well here is going to be another long post. Why do i post so long, and why am I going to reveal so much about me. Well I just want to give "savala valia" another reason to leave me a comment about some stupid sale.
Well here we go.
Its that time of year, I call it the great pair up. Its that time of the year when all of the single college students start to pair up with other college students. I don't know why happens like this. About a month and a half into the school year everyone starts to hook up. its a very funny site. I think it takes this much time for the attractive people to find other attractive people and start dating.
Tonight was a perfect example. I went over to my friend’s house and somehow I ended up being the fifth wheel. The great pair up happened right their in the living room. We watched a movie and it was impossible to hear with the sound of fresh lovers flirting. I thought I was in a cage with bunny rabbits, the only thought in my mind was "why don't you just start humping already" sorry.....
Why....
Why does this always happen, how is it that everyone seams to get involved in the great hook up but me. I’m not having a pity party for myself here, because i realize that it is my fault. For a while i thought that it was because I’m too picky.....but then I realized I’m not really picky....not at all actually. I’m not too picky, im too defensive. Something inside me physically won't let me get close. When i feel like im getting close to someone i do something to scare them away. I will get freaked out and totally ditch them. I’m not exaggerating at all. I have dodge two relationships this year that way. I made one girl cry.....oops.....and i totally stopped hanging out with one girl that totally dug me.....oops...sorry mom.
Why...
Why....
Well i have been realizing something about myself lately. I can't get close. I am an introvert living in the shell of an extrovert. If you know me a little you will know that i always want be doing something or i want be out among people doing something. Well doesn't that mean im an extrovert......im out not in............well not really....the only reason that i go out is so that i people can't get in. to stay in one spot is to risk someone actually getting to know me. I don’t want people to know me. What’s so bad about me....well nothing....unless your me...... I hate ME.
ME
rain rain go away
well i ahve another big art project due tomarow, unfortunatly it just started raining so i can't work on it. If it dosn't stop im screwed.
Homecomeing was a good time, my friends and i dressed up as ninja turtles and enterd the dance to vanila ice's GO ninja go ninja go. It was fun.
im exsaughsted, so see you later.
trellis
long post
here is a paper i just wrote on who i am. Its not really in good APA format, but i really dont give a crap. It s for my drawing 1 class, feel free to read it,
Who am I…….
Good Question. Do I have an identity, or am I just another piece of mass floating around in this world, hoping for luck to grant me a wish. I only see myself as a replica of the people and things around me. Do I have an identity, or am I simply flesh trying to pimp myself to the max so that I can score a good looking lady. I work out every day so that I can be healthy and attractive. Why? Good question. Who am I and why do I exist.
A good place to start would be to say that I am a “why not” person. For some reason everyone thinks that they need to have a long list of benefits in order to do something. What is the point of living that way, does everything have to have purpose. Many people don’t understand why I do the things I do, especially my parents (although they have been very supportive). They always wonder why I make some of the decisions I make. For example, in high school I played three sports wrestling, track, and football. I decided that I no longer wanted to play sports; I wanted to race mountain bikes. Therefore I quit all my sports and started racing mountain bikes. Everyone always asked me why I would do such a thing; my answer was always “Why not”. This is very much how I have lived my life up to this point; boxing “why not”, power lifting “why not”, RC cars “why not”, Electronics “why not”, Youth ministry (well there was a little more thought into this one) “why not” and finally minor in Art “why not”.
To say I haven’t had much purpose in my life might be a bit of a lie. The truth is that I love to be around people. During my life time of trying new things, I have meet a bunch of different types of people. The common denominator with all these people is the long to belong. Everyone I have meet has been head over heals into something. The mountain bikers spend all their money and time on bikes, the boxers spend all their time consumed with boxing, and every one is dominated by something. What is it that dominates me; well it’s my love for people. This is why I am not totally sold out for one thing, As long as I’m with people I’m okay. If I am not with people I get depressed. Like right now, I have been doing homework so much that my people interaction is at an all time low, and so is my mood. All day today I have either wanted to cuss someone out or lie on the floor and sob. Why does this happen, I don’t know it’s who I am.
This brings me to my next point of who I am, I am a basket case inside the body of a sane person. It has been my discovery that we are all crazy in our own way, yet we all try to hide who we are inside our image of perfection. I have spent hours upon hours worrying about what people think about me. I buy tons of new clothes and work out non-stop just to fit into a mold of a perfect person. I am defiantly not perfect. If I was tested I’m sure I would be diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. My mind is never silent, it never takes a break. I am always somewhere else in mind when I should be here right now. Here is the list of things I just thought about.
-How do I look
-is the person next to me reading this
-Is my laundry done?
-my thumb hurts
-I’m hungry
-Am I Fat?
-should I eat less tonight
-I wonder where I will be in the future
-what is the name of that song?
-do I have any more homework
-I wonder how homecoming is going to be
And those are only a fraction of the many things swarming around in my mind. In order for me to quiet my mind down I have to play video games. Then my mind goes into a state where little to no thinking is done, I love video games.
Who am I, Good question? These things that I have discussed are a little bit of who I am. I hope to discover who I truly am in the future. And I hope to share this journey with others, and help them if needed. Some call it a search for the meaning of life, I call it ministry.
Trellis
hey yall
Sorry for the long pause in posting, I am too dang busy...or lazy..one of the two.
i am extreamly tired and my body is at the point of shut down. I can't describe the feeling of all this work and and such short deadlines....oh wait i think i just found the word...HELL!
I have spent way too many hours in my art classes, i enjoy them, but they consume my life....wait i just lied, my 2D class is the worst class ever. Mrs. Farmback really rubs me the wrong way. I have a nickname for her, but for the sack of all you i wont say it. ANyway im trierd....by.
trellis
overload
Well ive hit that inevitable part of the school year. The week that everything decides to happen. I have a ton of stuff to do and i am goign away for the weekend. i hsould be able to get it all done. I have a landscape drawing due monday and i ahve spent 4 hours on it so far, and i have about another 7-8 left to go. im having fun with it so the time has been gogin by pretty quickly.
I have had two interviews so far at circuit city, and they should call me back soon to tell me if i got the job or not. i twould be cool to get the job, but i t would also be cool to have more hours free for homework and fun. Well see how it goes.
i bought a new pan last night and its awsome. I cooked the best chicken ever today with it. I did the cool through the chicken in the air thing and catch it. i am definatly goign to score a lady soon with these cooking skills, and numb chuck skills.
Please post your blog sites on my comment thing i want to read all yours, im just to lazy to find them. ok i have to go, more work "video games" to do.
Trellis
ceader point
late last night i returned home from a pretty fun trip to ceader point. My friends and I rode a ton of rides and then we walked through the firght zones becasue it was hollow weekend or somehting like that. The fright zones where fun because it was all foggy and there where strange ights set up everywhere. It was cool becasue random dressed up people would jump out at you and scare you. Wich gave me a great ideea, i can scare people too. Therfor a couple of friends and i hide behind some of the fog clouds and had fun jumping out and scaring the crap out of people. They jumped so high, it was great.
now im sore from all the walking and i have a ton of homework to do. so see you all later.
trellis
