blessed
blessed is somethign that you here a lot. In a christian community everything is ablessing, however i really think it gets over used. I have been ponderign the syaing "we are blessed to be a blessing" I realized a way in which i am blessed to be a blessing today.
It was my first day on the job, and i was pretty stressed. I don't know why but i tend to doubt myself, and my abilities a great deal. I have been blessed with the knowledge and understandign of building, creatign, and maintaining. I am a very machanical person and i enjoy figuring things out.
Today despite my doubt, i realized that I know way more than i give myself credit for. The guy i was working with said, run a feed to this box, out of that box connect this box, this box, this, box, then he pointed to a bunch of other receptical boxes. I knew exactly what to do, and i did it with little questions. After doing this i steped back and realized that this truly was a complex taske, one that not any old person can easily do.
I belive it is becasue the knowledge that i have seems to be common sense, "well of course it works like that." but to others its not quit so easy. hmmm.
hear is where blessign comes in. I know these things about electrical, and other machanical things so that i can be a blessign to others. so that i can help others, who would otherwise have no clue. I like everyont have the want to be needed, the longing to be wanted. And i think maybe for too long i have doubted myself, and thoguht that i have nothing to offer, nothign to give, no reason to be needed. But maybe i have a little more gogin for me than i thought.
I hate writing like this becaus it doesn't seem very humble, i feel like im bragging, but im not trying to, im just tryign to share my feelings in a well roudned fashion...the ups..the downs...and most fo the time all around! wow that was cheezy.
Willis
1:00am
Tonight like most nights was a late night for me. After a while you begin to see patterens in mood and thought, when you make a habit out of late bed times. Durign the normal hours of the day it is easy to be busy, and wast time with the every day events of life. Its easy to forget about questions, doubts, and lonliness. These things are simply lost in the business of life.
However when you are out when every one else is inside, you are left with something much different. There is no more people, nore more noise, nor more busyness to emerse yourself into. The only thing there is is yourself. When you look around there is nothign knowone, you are left facign your toughest critic, your doubts, fears, and bagage. At 1 am it is impossible to escape who you truly are, and what you truly think.
Tonight like most nights i spent a couple of hours in deep contimplation. I thought about many things. I will spare you from the bulk of it, becaus eit is rather depressing. however i will share a part, a small fraction of a bigger picture of thought.
We all have two things in common. first we all start with a bigining - birth. This is where life starts and where we begin to be formed. Fallowing birth we take place in a journey called life. In life there are many paths that we can travel down, and down these paths hold more paths and more choices. However we also share one more thign in common, an ending. At one point or another we all expereince death. We may do many thigns during our lives, good or bad, but at one point or another, we will all stop breathign and our heart will no longer continue to beat.
As i was lying on the beach i was wondering what the point was. I was wondering if it would be any different if i where to simply be washed away by the waves. At one point or another i woudl be dead, does it really matter if its now, or after more life. Will it really matter once im dead. Is life simply the postponing of a death that is enevatable. Its kind of funny becasue i am a big procrastinator, and in a way life is sort of a way of procrastinating death. We all live to avoid this one thing, but whould we rally know if we where already dead.
not a suicide note, simply a thought at 1:00am
Willis
split
today i watched the movie the wedding crashers. It was funny and uncomfortable. I am not a good lier, therfore i was nervouse for htem the whole time. Nothign anoys me more than someone who is living a lie. This is the reason why i don't like college becasue i feel that they are all living a lie.
But if i dislike it so much, than why do i do it every day!......
Why do i hold back who i am in different sircumstances, so that i will fit in, or not make certain people angry!
I heard a quote today that came from a very different source. It wnet like this.."i needed to quit looking for the perfect women, and i needed to become the man i am supposed to be" Roughly translated. It came from Johnathan, who is a hair styalist on the bravo channel.
His words where deep and full of meaning. When he said it i perked up and something inside me completely jived with what he was saying. It wasn't new for me, however it was in my gut, and it has been something ive been tryign to do for a while. I simply need to become the man i need to be.
I mean this in much more than simlpy dating or girl stuff, but with life. I have to look fear straight in the eyes and tell it to bother the weak, becasue i am strong. I never have been the kind of person to be afriad, or to look at a porblem and think "its too big" ive always live my live pushing the boundries and the status quo.
As i look at the church for some reason something inside me has givin up. instead of looking at it as a problem that i can indeed fix, i keep getting agry at those who are in it. Its time that someone stops being angry, and starts making changes for the better. I want to see actual screwed up people back in church, i want to see those who are at the bars, and those who are in the malls, and those who are on the streets, those are the people who i want to see reached, not the rich and bored, but the broken and hurting. I want to see a church that is actually filled with normal people.
It is time that i once again stand up and become the man that i need to be, and quit worring about what others say i should be.
willis
Inner Beauty
Inner beauty is somethign that is talked about amongst many girls. It is a value that needs to be taught to people in defense of the image the media portrayes. What is inner beauty..
It is being able to look in a miroir and see a beautiful person despite what is on the outside. Its being able to love yourself for who you are instead of what you are. This is a very simple concept to wrap your mind around, it is so simple to talk about, its not complex or multifaceted in any way. Its simply loving yourself because you are beautifully and wonderfully made. This is a simple concept..
thats why I don't understand how i strugle with this simple concept the most. I find it very difficult to love who i am, to be confident in who i am. Sometimes i can stand being who i am. Today i was looking at a photo that was just placed into my facebook profile, and it was the end of the last summer. I looked at the picture and saw that i was a tad skinnier than I am now. I imediatly started to think about how i can alter my diet and when i can run, and all of the above. I then looked in the mirior and started to hate what i saw.
People are quick to tell me why this is. They say that i can't love myself because i don't understand God's love...wow. I might not be a geneouse, but i can garuntee that know one really knows anything about Gods love. "God loves me, and i am beautifull, i am a dimond in the rough that any guy will be pleased to get" says classic church girl. guess what your ugly and the only thing that you will be lucky to get is my size 8 1/2 in your rear. okay so that was a little extream, It just makes me mad when someone tells me that i don't understand Gods love, and thats why im screwed up.
To make a long story short, i guess i am just simply wondering, why there has to be a bible band aid for every problem. If we stop and think about these little sayings we will realize that our brush strokes are a little broad, and our comments are a little close minded and quick.
The question i am wondering tonight is Why can't i love myself? Why do I hate the man in the mirior?
Willis
p.s. sprry for calling you ugly, classic church girl, im shure your actually beautiful, and im sure there is a guy out there specifically for your, too bad he is probably ugly too.
Running on E
I hesitate posting what i want to post...mostly becasue who i am is not very fun to read about, and it sounds like i want pitty...when i don't. however today i want to just write and forget about all the crap..or what you..the reader..think. I care about you, i just don't care if you think this post is retarded...once again this is not for pitty its just my thoughts, and feelings.
Over these last couple of days i have gotten the opurtunity to think a great deal. I very rarly share my thoughts, because i don't want to bore people with drama, and feeligns and stuff.
Basicaly i feel like im running on E. I have felt like this for most of my life. I can look back on life and i really can't see times where i was complete or really extreamly happy. I have always been searching for something, somethign has always been off. In high school this big empty space in my life was supposed to be a God size hole. Well i guess then i don't understand why God refuses to fill it. This has been the main component to the skeptic part of who i am. My doubts come from the fact that i am a person who never really feals full at any moment. How can God be their for me and love me, and all that stuff, when I feel so..Un-loved..empty..alone..
People wonder why i get so frustrated with the church, how can i dislike somethign that is so good. Well its simple becasue its not so good. Everyone in the christian culture likes to tell me whats wrong with me, they try to understand me, mostly so that they can feel good about themselves, and so they can do "their" part. Ive never really felt very genuine concern from people in the church. People are quick to give Bible band aids, and they say things like "In Gods timing..or its all in his hands" What the flip does that mean. People say stuff just to hear themselves talk, just to feel good about themselves, and pat themselves on the back.
back to me...lets take a journey into the past...I have always been an awckward kid, who really never quit fit in. I tried my hardest but failed miserably. one key point was my freshman year of high school. I was on the wrestling team and was tryign my hardest to fit in and to do my part on the team. But for some reason i had a sine around my neck that says pick on this kid. I never thought it was possible for people to be as crule to another human as they where crule to me. The whole season they would ridicule me and make me feel like crap(this actually started big time in football before wrestling). It was like the last night of wrestling, and we where all cleaning up. One of kids on my team thought it would be awsome if he hit me as hard as he could in the arm. I didn't want to get hit so i tried to block his punch, however i was simply able to deflect his punch, directly into my face...I then started to tear up, however the tears wherent coming from the hit. It was because everyone started laughing at me, they called me an idiot becasue of what happened, i shouldn't have defended myself. those tears that come out..where the last tears that i was able to shed. After that moment i stopped feeling...i stoped feeling anything...i became numb..to this day i have been unable to cry..un-abel to feel. I am Empty..
Its hard for me to enjoy life..i can enjoy small momnets..but mosty i sit quitly..and just watch as life goes by and is lived..
I wait for my turn ..i wait for the momnet when i too can have fun..when i too can actualy feel an emotion..an emotion that is more than fear, hate, anger, lonliness...I want to love.
I want to love poeple and be a srevent who helps without price. That is the person i want to be. Ive been tryign to serve others, and loving others. I hope someday through this i will actually be able to feel the love i am giving, maybe some day i will be able to love, and most importantly maybe i will be able to love myself.
I dream of the day that i can once again feel, the day in which i can find what im looking for, the day when i am not so Empty!!
thanks for listining,
Willis
once more
just wanted to check in and welcome a new blogger to the party. Cara hoeks has now joined the bloggin world, so the two people who read my blog, read hers to...or else!!!!>:-0
dang it
i give up. Now that "Hello" works on my computer i thought i would upload a picture into my profile. The one below is the one i was trying to put in, however i copy the html and stick it in the slot and it says that it needs to be a JPEG...the only problem is, it is a JPEG. I tried to publish it as a normal .jpg and as a .jpeg but neither worked, and its only 25k so it shoudl work, butt it doesn't..hmmm...if anyone knows whats gogin on, than please share some info.
computers just don't seem to work like they should, so i shouldn't have expected any less. ah well.
today i had a fun filled day. First i started out at walleys new house, we did some work in the front yard and back yard. It was cool, and we did it all with out wally knowing. We wherent gogin to tell him, but it leaked out to him that we did it. ah well. Its a nice house, adn im glad they could get it.
Then i helped paint N8 house, which was fun. I climbed up onto the roof and painted their window sills. It was a little risky, the only thing keeping me on the roof was my death grip on the ledge of the window, one slip and i would have been in the good ol hospital. but im not..so yaa.
well im going to play some poker and then bed.
peace, willis
lets try again
Rockin the Hawk
nothingness
Im sitting in the basment of my paretns house right now. I have been sonsumed by somthign that i have run from my whole life...nothingness... I have always wanted to be somthing..be sombody. But i look back on my life and see nothign but hoops and checkpoints. I look at my life and don't really see much...sure i do have some good things going for me..im almost done with college..i have some sweet friends..you know all that good stuff. But i still feel like my life is lacking..well a purpose rigth now. This whole last year i would wake up and pretty much not see the point of even getting out of bed. today i got up at twelve, ran 4 miles, ate lunch..biked six miles..watched a movie...and now im typign on my computer...sure i did a lot today, but it really didn't matter much. I could have slept through today and nobody would have even noticed..im not throughing a pitty party..not at all, i know im cared for, and i have a lot of good friends..its not that..its just that i have done nothing but jump through hoops, ive done so many temporary things that my life seems a little meeningless. My life is nothing more than a hoop that i keep jumping through.
I just want something to build somethign of meaning. Possibly a relationship..possibly a program..or a buisness.. I want to wake up and work on somthign that will be around for more than a semester. I want to wake up with pride, and know that my day will mean something..i want to hit the pillow at night and actually sleep becasue im not wrestless for once. I want my life to mean more than a grade!!!!
"This is your life are you who you want to be"
switchfoot
Mike
life is like one giant rainy day....well maybe its not quit that dramatic...but i hate final papers!!
On a lighter note, im excited to be done in a week, thats pretty cool, im trying to work things out so that i can actually graduate next year, but im runnign into some complications. cross your fingers.
I was also excepted ontot the trip to cambodia for next january, thats pretty sweet...alright i need to go type some papers..see ya.
mike
