Idealistic
I am definatly a creauture of routein. There is one computer at the library that i must sit at every day. My computer in the library is one of only a couple of macs, and it is right in front of the starbucks and right next to the window. When i look to my right i can see all sorts of different people walking to class, playign frisbie, hoplessly flirting with wemon way to attractive for them, or just lolygagin around.
Almost every day i am also able to evesdrop on conversations that are happening in the line waiting for 20$ coffe. It is interestign what people talk about, however not that interesting because it all usually ends up being some overly spiritual convo. I am craving some spiritual but not christian conversation, to listen in on. It seams as if the conversations around here seam to repeat themselves.
Today i was listening to some of my friends in the youth ministry department talk about church. They where talking about the injustice of willow creek, and they pretty much all of willow creeks problems in one short sitting. Im not sayign their conversation was un-true, nor un-insightfull. They where probably very accurate with some of the points they where making, however it just shows how idealistic us college students can be. We can solve all of the worlds problems in five minutes, and think everyonw else is crazy fro not seing it. Maybe im just pesamistic in my understanding that the world just doesn't work this way. I belive a big reason why im not liked so much in discusion circles, is becasue i don't let people get away with pie in the sky rationals.
Yes living in a commune with every one in the whole world would be cool, and then no one would be poor, but it doesn't work that way.
Yes selling all of my possessions and living on PB and J would be very christlike, but my wife and kids will hate me!!
Yes church sucks, and they arn't living and workign in the correct "community", and our worship services arn't "vintage" enough," but our view of the church is imiture and void of any real life expereince.
I wonder If being idealistic is having childlike faith...It has all of the charecteristics of a child. Its ideals that are derived from very little real life expereince. However this can't be childlike faith, or itdoesn't make sence if it is. Would we really be encouraged to blinldy fallow ideas that are half informed, and foolish. Is it wrong to look at a problem and see realistic ideas and idealistic ones?
Akon aint got none!
This weather has been just what i needed to help pullme out of the slump that i was in. A month ago life seamed so repetative and enduring, now its once agian full of life. It's no wonder why i get depressed in the winter, i do so much in the summer. Today i lifted, played football, walked to school, boarded to school, and later on tonight i will probably go biking with my roomate.
Today on my run I was accompanied by a music that trumps all. I was runnign by a bunch of farms, and swamps which produced a melody unlike no other. The sound of frogs, crickes, and other wildlife made a beautifull sound. I know this sounds mushy, but it was figin great it feals like life is living. Im no longer dead, and neither are my surrondings.
Yehaaaa :-)
Pressures
Life is introducing a whole new set of pressures towards the end of this school year. I can not explain the types of feelings that I am having, nor why they are happening. I can’t really put words to it it’s a mixture of fear, excitement, and re-birth.
I am afraid because I am very far behind and lack any form of motivation to catch up. All of my thoughts are far from the classroom, and the computer lab. The only thing I can think about is life and what it is going to be like to finally be able to live it. For years I have been jumping through academic hoops in order to get a little piece of paper that says I am trained. I guess I am also afraid that I may just be trading academic hoops for full-time employment hoops. I know that my little piece of paper that says I’m trained really doesn’t mean anything in the scope of what I have yet to learn.
The pressures that I am feeling are also a part of the re-birth that I am going through. Lately I feel that I have been stepping out and truly claming my identity beyond what I look like, or what I do, but by who I am. It is a process of letting my pride down to do things that I want, because I want to and not because others deem it necessary. I do things because it me and not because it defines me!
Bring it world. I’m ready!
The cool breeze and feelings of weightlessness
Nothing makes life better and brighter like a fresh spring night much like last night. I left my house at 12:30 and rode my bike to a park that I find to be quiet and peaceful. I parked my bike up against a bench and then took a seat and I fixed my eyes on the clear night sky, dotted with stars that where burning in the distance.
Staring up at the sky I settled into a state of mediation in which I could feel myself become lighter. I simply stared in amazement at the little burning balls of gas thousands of miles away. As the cool spring breeze flowed across my body like a wave of soothing water, I felt it take away grey; the feelings of depression, confusion and sadness that haunt me during the winter months. I was put into a state in which I was truly weightless and at peace with myself.
It is times like this and nights like this that I can do something that many people fail to do, something many people are discouraged form doing. I was able to be 100% honest with God and myself. I softly spoke my mind and allowed time for my words to sink in. Lately I have felt like I have been discovering pieces to a giant puzzle, but none of them have been connecting. It seams like I am receiving pieces to a completely different puzzle altogether. Sitting in this state of true chill I was able to discover a piece that is helping me connect some of the pieces, and inevitably creating something beautiful.
I am coming into a state in which I can see my life not as an accident, not as a mistake, not as rebellion, not as dirty or wrong, but as purposeful and beautiful. I am learning that my thoughts and my ideas aren’t “wrong,” but are actually pieces of a puzzle that makes a different picture than what I have been tricked into seeing. The next leg of my journey that I am about to face doesn’t scare me it excites me. I am privileged to share my new viewpoint of life and God to others, hopefully allowing them to also feel beautiful and purposeful.
Faith or Fear
I caught the end of an interesting show last night on the national geographic channel. It was about blind people in North Korea who where seeking healing. Normally when I think of healing I picture some charismatic on the cheesy Christian station going crazy, in front of a stage that came form a palace in France. The scene in this documentary was completely different and believe it or not even creepier.
Imagine hundreds of Koreans silently sitting in there seats stiff as manikins frozen in a trance. Scattered among the crowed where people with patches over their eyes, hoping for healing. Then one by one a doctor would approach the victims and pull the patches off their eyes. The blind person would claim to be healed, then they would walk up to a picture of Kim Jong-Il, and praise this ”great” general for the healing he had done. When a person was praising the general, the whole room would join in. They would all stand up wave there hands and say “praise general Kim Jong-Il” five or six times then sit down. The things the people where saying was truly disturbing, One women said “I will work extra hard in the rice fields to earn the healing I have been given.” Another man said that he would kill every American enemy he possibly could. These people honestly believed that Kim Jong-Il was the one supplying the healing powers; well I guess who am I to say it wasn’t.
I was witnessing shocked me, I couldn’t tell if the people where really being healed, or if they where afraid to say that they weren’t healed. They did everything like it was a motion they had done many times before. There was little emotion, and a robotic movement that couldn’t possibly be real. If they said they had not been healed than they would probably be punished for saying that the general could not do it. The person doing the documentary even said that she couldn’t tell whether they where being healed from a true faith or if they where simply afraid…or even both.
I will just leave with some thoughts that I have been pondering. Are we like the north Koreans, do we fallow god out of faith..or fear..or both! Do we think that healings and stuff are happening even though its mere figment? If people in North Korea are being healed, then is it possible that it is simply a high amount of suggestibility that leads us to believe that God is doing the same now? Just thoughts, and questions! Does God heal, or are we just freaks?
Test
TEST
Its true studying for test actually helps! I don't know where it came from, but for some odd reason i inherited a little something called motivation. This "motivation" pushed me to study for a test in my music foundations class. Lucky thing i did because i would have probably gotten like a 10% and im pretty sure i got at least a 90%. mayeb its the fact that im almost done thats allowing me to grin and bear it, i don't know.
RUNNING
The change in temperature has been extramly nice over the last couple of days, its no cambodia, but its warmer than a couple of weeks ago. Due to this awsome anomaly i have been able to start runnign outside. It feels good to strap on the oll runners, and trote down the road, breathing heavy and coughing up a winters worth of junk. My body is tierd but it will get used to it!
SPRNG HILL
Im really excited to go to spring hil this weekend, i havn't been doign anything with middle schoolers, pretty much all year, and i definatly miss it. Part of me wishes i would have gotten more involve in a youth ministry while being in college. I know ive missed out on soem good times, and even some extra learnings that could have been had. on the other hand, it has been nive to have a little break since i have been in youth ministry since my first year of pre-pubesent middle school! The break has been nice but im eager to get back into it!
NOT SO-SMALL GROUP
I recently droped out of my small group. It was one of those deals where it just really didn't fit "me." There where many reasons, one being the fact that it was a small group of 12!! it took two hours for introductions. The guys in the group where really good guys however,i just feel like we are on different journeys. They are heavy into gifts of the spirit, you know healing, prophecy, and deliverences. I thought it would be interesting to get involved in a group like this and explore different ways that God can work through us undeserving pesants! In the end we are just different people wih a much differnt journey.
I just started meeting with my friend craig every wednesday morning, and our meetings have potential. However we aer both very easly distracted and both have an un-healthy addiction to "The Office." Our last two meetings have been good, but a little unproductive.
anyways, this blog is way to long, and im way to hungry!
Bye
kissie face
so im in the computer lab becasue the internet we are barrowing from our neighbors wirless is not wroking, and there are two people in front of me being all kissie and cudlie.....GET A ROOM....No one wants to see that!!! Man i need to get out of this place!!!
This is why im hot!
sorry i was just singing that song with my roommate....weird i know!
So heres the update....
Half way through the semester, not sure how everything is going to end up. Im a little behind but not near as much as the past so im not worried... I just had teh best thats what she said moment...but it would be inapropriat for me to write that right now!
im really excited fro this summer, im interning at spring lake wesleyan church which will be frigin awsome! Im excited to be on the west side of the state where all the fun is! Im also going to be living with wally and sarah wich will be really cool. my roomate mike actually goes to springlake wesleyan so we should have a fun summer, that is if he can actualy manage to stay single!
whats the girl situation like? good question i would like to know as well! still don't understand um, but where making progress.
Im livin in a sweet house with some cool roomates so everything is pretty good, just waitin...waitin..waitin on the world to change. okay so im actually waiting for the semester to be done so that i can get the heck on with the little thing called life.
that was just a little bit of an add update!!
